the depression bubble
i float and i float and i -
NOTE: this is a diary entry that i edited for substack. read with caution as it’s sad, hence the title. i’ll be back soon with something more uplifting when i feel better 🤍
so i have lost myself a bit.
this is the longest break i’ve taken from writing since i first started my substack. my mental health has plummeted and i’m struggling to do much of anything.
most days i scroll mindlessly for an hour or so then i spend the rest of the day sleeping, eating, watching random trashy videos on youtube but never fully paying attention. i scream at myself to get up and do something useful, anything. but i never do. i just turn over, have a little cry, and listen to sad music in the dark until i fall asleep. when i wake, the cycle repeats itself.
i often think of depression as a grey bubble that surrounds me. it isn’t always filled with pain and horror, sometimes it’s even comfortable - theres a bed - it can feel familiar. sometimes, the bubble clears and you can see glimpses of light, you try to chase them and grasp them. sometimes it works, you go out into the world with Everyone Else but i’ve been in this bubble for years, in a depression bubble so consuming that i have spent the last few years in and out of hospitals, on countless medications and therapies. sometimes i think there is no fixing me, that of all the treatments available, maybe i really am the anomaly, the one that is truly broken beyond repair.
but this year, for the first time in years, i found a creaky vent, i hoisted myself up and started to crawl inside it and i could suddenly see the beauty of the land beyond my bubble. not quite a glimmer and a ticket out of here, but a form of hope. enough to keep me going for months. i’d grown resentful of the people outside the bubble who seemed to live with such ease. it is so hard to function in a brain that makes every day a fight for survival. so it is hard not to feel envious when i see people achieving great success, whether that be travelling around the world or making huge steps in their personal lives, engagements, kids, etc. for once, i felt hope. i didn’t hate those people anymore, i wanted to join their dance and for the first time in so long i thought i might actually be able to someday.
but a few months ago my bubble started to fill with a thick grey smoke. Maybe there is a leak; maybe a hole somewhere, or maybe i was just never meant for happiness and this what was always destined to happen. either way, my bubble is filling and i am growing fearful, scared that i will be in the darkness for many more years, not sure how to venture on. i can see glimmers of the Others in the distance. i winder how they laugh so heartily, how they seem so in tune with one another. i wonder whether they cry themselves to sleep or whether they are truly perfect. they party late at night, they seem so excited to be alive. i put my hands to the surface and scream - can anyone hear me? is there even a point to all of this pain? please just let me out! i’ll do anything!
but the sounds of pop music and clinked glasses and giggles and first kisses and more drown out the sound of my pleas. and so i curl into a ball on the floor, a sobbing heap, as i am left back in the darkness again.
it’s interesting you think your depression is like a grey bubble. i feel like mine is more of a blanket i find comfort in sometimes and other times i find that it suffocates me and i want out. i just got out of a depressive episode and the only piece of “advice” i can give is to say that you’re NOT alone. it’s easy to forget that you’re loved or that someone thinks of you and smiles at the thought of you but it’s true, i’m sure, seeing as how i’m a mere subscriber and i can’t help but write this to you. i hope that you’ve people that can be a kind listening ear for you and that their presence can bring you comfort. if you’ve them, then please reach out and if you don’t then make them, which i think you already have in a way with your writing. even through the hardest days brushing your teeth, making your bed and sitting by the window where the sunlight hits can make all the difference. take care of yourself because you deserve to be cared for. sending so much love your way💗💗
Adina, go and talk to some homeless people during the day, in a public space. A lot of those people suffer from anxiety and will most probably be sympathetic.
You need to get out and talk to people. Social isolation is really bad for your mental health. People are social animals. We need to communicate with other humans.
My daughter is suffering from depressive psychosis. I get cross with her because she doesn't help break the cycle of depression, by getting a voluntary job, in a charity shop, just to get her out and about and talking to people.