grief, sadness, and other unbreakable curses

the difficulty of loving someone so much when they’re no longer here. the complexity of realising that maybe you didn’t know them as well as you thought you did.

time moves differently since you died.

art by @felury4 on instagram

what was the last thing i said to you?

why didn’t i reply to your last text message?

i used to obsess over these questions for hours at a time, i would retrace my steps back to the last time we spoke to relive it. now, i can barely even remember it.

i feel so guilty for that, like i’ve betrayed you somehow. like the love i still have for you is lessened every time i laugh or smile because it means i’ve moved on.

there are days i am furious with you. so angry that you always hurt everyone in the way only you could. frustrated that you didn’t take care of yourself. upset that i didn’t know you as well as i thought i did.

then, there are the days i almost forget, like it never happened entirely.

and then there are days where i am still trapped under the weight of the Blanket of Grief that threatens to smother me. days where i feel like i can’t face life without you, entirely consumed by a guttural feeling of loss.

i often find myself bargaining with a God I don’t even believe in, if I’m good enough will you give him back?

Was it my fault?

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i have this reoccurring dream about my dad,
that i’m running through a house of mirrors
and i know he’s here.
but no matter which way i run, i can’t find him.
he’s forever out of reach.

i don’t know what i should be more afraid of,
that i can never catch up to him,
or that when i look in the mirror,
it is his reflection i see.

and i hate him for it.

that makes me a bad person, doesn’t it?

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